Merry Christmas from the Family

By: Mick Blankenship

I’m not sure how many of you out there are familiar with Robert Earl Keen, but if you are, you are probably in the 40+ club of which I am a proud member. In the mid-90s, he released a song about Christmas that would go on to be one of his most popular. In the song, he draws a picture of a redneck Christmas complete with drinking, chain smoking, Christmas carols, and relatives you can’t remember how you are related to. Some of the more popular lines of the song refer to mid Christmas day trips to the Quickpak Store or the Stop ‘N Go to pick up Christmas necessities such as bean dip, Diet Rites, tampons, and Marlboro lights. While the song is meant to be humorous, running out to pick up Christmas day necessities is a real inconvenience. Those necessities may vary from family to family. Maybe no one in your family likes bean dip or smokes cigarettes, but you may have to run out for salsa and vape cartridges. Every family will have to send a runner out for something on Christmas day. Then there are those items that almost every family will need. These items may or may not be available at a convenience store, and if they are, you may want to avoid paying convenience store prices. Even hardware stores are closed on Christmas day, so getting these items in advance would be wise. That way, if someone is running low on toiletries and tobacco, you can tell them they are on their own.

The first thing you will surely want to have on hand is a plunger. The increased number of people using your toilets and increase in food consumption is sure to wreak havoc on your drain pipes. Having a small auger on hand wouldn’t be a bad idea either. A young child is sure to drop a toy of some kind down your toilet. A mini snake for the shower and sink drains would help for the increase in hair going down your drains. Your drains are made for a family of four or five and they hold up well under that stress. Double or quadruple that, plus have everyone eat twice as much as normal, and your drains are sure to buckle. And you don’t want to be down a bathroom since I don’t know any plumbers who work on Christmas day. It is best to be prepared.

Speaking of bathrooms, you may want to stock up on Poo Pouri and scented sprays such as Lysol. You love your extended family but having to follow them in bathroom can be quite unpleasant. Poo Pouri is a spray that you spray in the toilet before you use it. It seals the top surface of the toilet water with fragrant oils, theoretically trapping the smell of your poop once it has passed through the oily barrier. But just in case this doesn’t work, better have a can of spray fragrance on hand for good measure. The sudden change in everyone’s diet is sure crank up your family’s odor game.

Any family with an ounce of Christmas cheer will have Christmas lights. The lights can be the highlight and the horror of the holidays. These lights have fuses that if blown, will make an entire section of lights go out. You don’t want to wait until the lights go out on Christmas Eve because the hardware store will be closed and Santa won’t be able to see your house. Figure out what type of fuses your lights need and stock up ahead of time.

Speaking of Christmas lights, there is nothing more unsightly than Christmas lights with green wires plugged in to a bright orange extension cord. The hardware store sells green extension cords that will blend well with the grass and bushes. For my sake and yours, please use green extension cords for your outdoor decorations.

There are a lot of sounds that indicate it is Christmas time. The sounds of cooking, kids anticipating opening their gifts, and bells jingling all trigger that part of your brain, flooding it with memories of Christmases past and giving you that special feeling that it’s Christmas. But not all the sounds of Christmas are pleasant. For some it may be kids fighting over toys. For others, it may be a drunk uncle who won’t shut up, or a know-it-all cousin who thinks he should be coaching whatever team you’re watching. Either way, you’re going to need an escape at some point. You could go for a walk to obtain some solitude, but if it’s cold that may be a problem. What if you really just want to lie down in your bed for a moment but your uncle’s voice easily penetrates your bedroom door? Ear plugs are your answer. You can even wear them in front of your uncle while he is talking and just throw him a nod or grin occasionally. He won’t notice.

Kids really add to the Christmas experience. They give us a chance to relive our own childhood excitement as we watch their faces while they open their presents and play with their new toys until the batteries are dead. If you’re not prepared, this beautiful moment will be followed by fit pitching as their toys no longer work. Be sure to have all 3 types of charging cables on hand. They make a 3-in-1, but you may want to have multiple as you will probably need to charge more than one toy at a time. Some toys still use batteries so stock up. So you’ve got your batteries and charging cables and the first toy dies. You’re like, “I got this.” You pick up the toy, look for the power source, and it’s screwed shut. For safety, toy manufacturers must screw down the power source on toys. For some reason, they find it necessary to use a screw smaller than any screwdriver you keep in the house. You try them all and no luck. They make a 4 in 1 tiny screwdriver that has become a staple in my house since having small children. If you don’t have one, you’ll find yourself trying to open toy battery covers by unscrewing a tiny screw with the tip of a steak knife. Not the safest option.

Some of your family may bring their pets and some of these pets may have fleas. Even if they don’t, they may bring in fleas from your neighborhood. Fleas get in your carpets and even the small cracks between the wood flooring. They immediately begin breeding and the next thing you know, your extended family is not the only new population in your household. You may want to get some flea spray ahead of time to keep the population under control. In case you are not a pet person, you can use dog or cat treats to get pets to leave you alone. It’d be good to have some of those on hand as well.

With all these kids and pets tearing up your house, your decorations are sure to take some abuse. Cats absolutely love pawing at Christmas tree ornaments. As the kids are running through the house, inevitably one of them will hook a piece of garland and rip it from where you so carefully placed it. Have a glue gun on hand. It is great for repairing that special ornament that your teenager made when she was six which serves as a reminder of how sweet she used to be.

If you remember last Christmas, you know we are not completely immune to freezes here in the South. We had pipe freezing temperatures last year and some families were caught without running water which is bad enough when it is just your family, but even worse when you have guests. Be sure your pipes are well insulated.

In your house on Christmas day, it is a warm environment filled with food and cheer. Some creatures that live outside may get jealous, peeking in at the warmth and spread of food. You can hardly blame them for coming in. Just have some mouse traps on hand or you may be spending Christmas alone. On the other hand, a mouse could be good way to get rid of your guests. I’ll let you make the call.

I know you’re going to be super busy up to the last minute buying presents, decorating, and cooking. It’s hard to imagine you will have time to think about supplies like this. Hopefully this article gets your attention and you’ll find time to make the trip to purchase some of these items. They can make for a much more enjoyable holiday. Merry Christmas from the family.